


Crash.

by LightAvii



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Based on a song, Car Accident, Explicit Language, Gen, Heavy stuff so be warned, Hurt No Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Steven is kinda rude, Suicidal Thoughts, Temporary Character Death, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:54:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23383360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LightAvii/pseuds/LightAvii
Summary: Nothing mattered.The car continued to shoot down the road at an alarming rate.“Steven! Steven, hit the brakes! Stop! What are you doing?!” Connie grabbed him by the arm, shaking him in an attempt to rattle him back to reality, in vain. “Steven, please!!”Absolutely. Nothing.—Steven hasn’t been himself lately, and at this rate, he’s going to make a mistake he can’t fix. Connie notices and tries to intervene, but she’s too late, and they both pay the price.
Comments: 24
Kudos: 58





	Crash.

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first work on ao3! I wrote this ages ago and meant to upload it way sooner but I got lazy, I guess. Anyway, I wrote this for a prompt on Amino and I’m pretty proud of how it came out, even though the original idea for the events that unfold came from my friend. (I hope I did it justice)
> 
> This is based on _lontalius - sleep thru ur alarms_ , and there are some lyrics from the song included towards the end, but it’s nothing crazy and ties in with what’s going on.
> 
> This deals with some pretty heavy topics like suicide, so be careful!
> 
> With that said, enjoy!

To say he was close to the edge was an understatement. Steven’s feet teetered dangerously over the edge of the cliff, the only thing between him and a long fall being the edge of the white wooden fence he held on to.

“Steven, I really don’t think this is safe. Stop.”

“Aw, come on, Connie!” He chirped, casting her the same shit-eating grin he always did when he was doing something dangerous. “Have an adventure or two, won’t ya?”

“This isn’t an adventure, this is suicide. Seriously, cut it out. It’s not funny.”

“Pff, party pooper,” he shrugged, leaning forward to haul himself back over the fence. “Lighten up a little bit, okay? I’m fi—“

His face fell as the sound of splitting wood hit the air.

“Steven!”

“Ah, shit.”

As if in slow motion, Steven felt himself sliding backwards—sandals didn’t have much grip on loose grass. 

_ Crack! _

And now the only thing holding him up was a piece of painted wood in his hand.

Well, this was unfortunate.

For a moment, gravity seemed to stop working as his feet left the ground and he entered free fall. He saw Connie appear near the edge, reaching forward to grab his hand, but he didn’t reach out back. There was something so peaceful about being in the air, wind rushing around him, as he plummeted towards the ground at a dangerous clip. 

Rotating mid-fall, he turned to see what was rushing up to meet him—oh, a rock. Jagged, sharp.

_ Perfect to cut him in half. _

For one blissful moment, Steven didn’t want to stop falling. He wanted to enjoy the weightless sensation, and then the nothing that would come after. He closed his eyes, waiting.

_ “Amethyst, stop! You’re gonna get hurt!” _

_ “Oh, please, Steven. I’m a gem warrior. I’m not gonna f—“ _

His eyes flew open suddenly, remembering the incident from years ago that was so similar. God, what was he thinking?!

The bubble appeared around him in the last possible moment, cushioning most of the blow, but it was seconds too late. He grunted as the tip of the rock sliced through his protection and he continued to fall, hitting the sand with enough force to knock the wind out of him.

By all means, a fall like that would have killed a normal human. But Steven was no normal human, and he sat up, taking a moment to recover. Wow, that happened.

How long had he been lying there? Clearly too long, as Connie came running towards him, sand flying up behind her heels. Did she really have enough time to get all the way down here? Yeesh, he needed to step up his recovery game.

“Steven! Oh my god, are you okay?!” She stopped in front of him, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him up with enough force that he thought she was going to throw him. 

“Woah, hey, I’m fine,” Steven pulled away, smiling sheepishly at her. “Look, came out without a—hey!” His thought stopped when he noticed his jacket sleeve was ripped. Glancing up, he spotted the culprit; a small piece of shredded pink fabric sat on the point of the rock above them.

“Aw, man, I ripped my jacket!” He sighed, turning back to Connie.

_ Wham! _

Steven stood, stunned, finding himself staring at the cliff face next to them, a stinging pain overtaking half of his face. Did Connie just—slap him?

“You’re such an  _idiot_ Steven, I swear!” She shouted, the tears in her eyes contradicting the rage in her voice. “You almost  _died_ and all you care about is your jacket? What the hell is wrong with you?!”

“Connie, I—“

“I don’t want to hear it! I’m glad you’re okay, Steven, but this is getting a little ridiculous, don’t you think? Get some control over yourself!”

And with that, she turned on her heel, storming off through the sand.

Steven watched her go, a familiar weight settling in his chest.

_ Get some control of yourself. Get some control. I’m trying. Can’t she see I’m trying? I can’t—I’m losing and I know it—this is so stupid, all of this is so stupid! Why—why am I so— _

He swallowed, shoving the ugly feelings away with it. Not now. Not here. 

“Fine, whatever.” And with that, he turned to head home, already thinking up some excuse for his torn sleeve. 

* * *

Steven sighed, gripping the steering wheel and leaning back as he waited for Connie to come outside. It was late—already dark outside, and they were going for a night drive. Not necessarily approved by her parents, but that was teenage rebellion for you, and if this went right it wouldn’t matter anyway.

The gems had been reluctant to let him out, to say the least. His actions as of late hadn’t been...in line with his usual self. He was doing more dangerous things, even when he knew they were stupid, almost as if he was trying to get himself killed. He knew it.

Yet he couldn’t stop.

His thoughts were interrupted as he saw light from Connie’s house—the front door opened and Connie slid out, catching sight of the car and moving forward silently.

“Hey,” she said, opening the door and climbing into the passenger’s seat. He cast a smile her way, but she avoided his gaze, instead focusing intently on closing the car door behind her. 

“My parents will be home at 10,” she continued, fastening her seatbelt. “So I have to get back before they come home.”

“That’s fine,” Steven said, turning his attention to the road in front of them. Shifting the car into drive, he pressed his foot gently on the gas, and soon they were off.

“So, where are we going?” Connie reached over, turning a dial on the radio. Old, slightly grainy classical music began to play—any other time they would have changed the station, but in the dark of the night it seemed to set a nice mood.

“I was thinking we could just chill on the beach for a bit,” Steven shrugged, eyes locked on the road ahead.

“That’s all? You’re bringing me out just to sit in the sand in the dark for a bit and then go home?”

“Yup, that’s it.” 

“Oh, yeah. Sure.” 

Sensing an ease in the tension, Steven risked a glance in her direction, but she kept her head down. She looked...upset, brows furrowed slightly in thought. Something was bothering her, he knew that much. He had a feeling he knew what it was, but he stopped the thought. He had to focus on the road.

* * *

“I don’t think cars are allowed on the beach—“

“Probably not,” Steven smirked. “But nobody will notice. Relax.”

Nope, wrong word choice. Connie was quiet again.

The car wobbled as he drove into the sand, eventually satisfied with their placement. He put it in park and stepped out, Connie following behind him.

“Are you gonna shut off the headlights?”

“Nah, I like them on.”

“Huh. Alright.”

The two sat down in front of the car, the gentle lull of the static engine behind them and the rhythm of the night waves in front. The headlights cast long shadows across the dark sand, light hitting the waves as they rolled up and glittered, licking the sand near the pair’s feet. 

Soft classical music played from the car’s radio.

“See, isn’t this nice?” Steven chirped, trying to get a bit of conversation going between them.

“Mm.” Connie only grunted softly in response, bringing her knees up to her chest and resting her head, gaze fixed on the sand.

“Ocean sure is pretty at night.”

“Yeah.”

“And I doubt anyone even knows we’re here.”

No response.

They sat in silence for a moment, but Steven felt words coming again. He couldn’t just sit. It was driving him crazy.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Connie let out a deep sigh, tilting her head away.

“You don’t seem fine.”

“Please...stop asking.”

“Oh, come on! We’re totally alone here, you can talk. Just chill out—“

“Could you cut that out?!” Connie’s head snapped to look at him suddenly, and he froze, leaning back slightly.

“Wha—“

“You keep doing that! You keep telling me to ‘lighten up’ and ‘relax’ and now ‘chill out’—I  _hate_ when you talk like that! It’s like telling a woman to smile more! I can’t just be happier because you told me to be, and you of all people should know that!” Steven said nothing, staring at Connie with wide eyes. “At least, I thought you would know that.” She turned again, her head lowering as if in defeat. “You’re not the same person anymore.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I dunno, you just act—different. You went from that sweet, caring, sensitive boy to like—bad boy idiot. I don’t like it. You took everything that made you,  _you_ , and shoved it into some hole.” She leaned down further, her voice muffling. “You took everything I liked about you and got rid of it.”

Steven felt heat rise to his cheeks. “That’s not what I—Connie, I didn’t know you felt that way.”

“Did I have to make it any more obvious?” She closed her eyes. “I just—you’ve changed. Not in a good way. I don’t know what’s gotten into you.” She sat up now, straightening her posture. Steven suddenly felt small. “Which leads me into what I wanted to talk to you about.

“Are you okay, Steven?”

Steven froze.

“Huh?”

“You heard me. Are you okay?”

Oh, no. He didn’t like where this was going. Opening up was the total opposite of what he wanted to do.

“I’m fine.”

“No you’re not.”

“What’s the point of asking me how I feel if you’re going to say my answer is wrong?”

“Because I’ve known you for 3 years,” Connie said, staring at him. “And I can tell when you’re lying to me.”

“Ugh—I just—“ Steven turned away from her gaze, putting his head in his hands. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I want you to.” She wasn’t going to let up. “I think not wanting to talk about it is just your problem.”

“It’s hard though,” He glanced at her through the side of his fingers. “It’s easy for you to say that when you’re not the one going through it.”

“Please, Steven.” He tensed as he felt her hand take his, gently pulling it away from his face as he turned to look at her. “I know it’s not easy, but I want you to do this. For me.”

Goddamnit. She knew he couldn’t resist when she did that.

“Fine.” Steven exhaled, deeply, an exhale he had been needing for months now. “I’m just...having a really hard time with all this ‘future’ stuff. Like, everybody’s all happy, and everything is finally fine, but  I’m  not. I’ve been solving problems for my dad and the gems for years now all because of what my mom did and it’s like now that I’ve fixed everything, I feel...useless.”

“You’re not useless.”

“I know that,” Steven sighed. “But it’s deeper than that, I think. I don’t like, take my own advice, you know? Now that I’m not busy helping everyone else I have to actually like, help myself. And I don’t know how to.” He waited for Connie to interject, but she was silent, so he continued. “I have to stay together for everyone but I’m falling apart.” His voice started to shake—he swallowed. He was not about to break down. Not now. “I don’t feel like I can control myself anymore. I’m numb and I just keep doing all of this dumb stuff to feel something, but lately I think I’m doing it to stop feeling altogether. If you know what I mean.”

“You want to die.”

“Yeah. Some days.”

“God, Steven, I’m so sorry.” Connie held his hand still, the pad of her thumb rubbing back and forth over his palm, reassuringly. “I would never have yelled at you all those times if I knew you were dealing with all of this, but I always suspected...” She trailed off, shaking her head. “Have you talked to the gems about this? Or considered maybe seeing a therapist?”

“No!” Steven jerked his hand away suddenly, and Connie leaned back in surprise, not realizing how close they had become. “I mean—no. I just...” He averted her gaze. “I don’t want to...bring attention to it, I guess.”

“Hmm.” Connie frowned, turning back to stare at the waves. The air around them was silent save for the water for a moment, until a new song started, soft piano notes drifting through the night.

“Thanks for listening to me about it,” Steven murmured, quietly now, watching the gentle waves.

“Of course. Thanks for talking to me. It’s really important that you talk about how you feel, okay? I don’t want you to deal with this alone.”

“Okay.”

* * *

“Oh, shit! It’s 10:15!”

The two had sat for a while in mutual silence, enjoying each other’s company and nothing more. How could you even follow up a conversation like that? But now Connie jumped to her feet, staring at her phone screen in a frenzy. “We have to go!”

Steven followed shortly after, and Connie barely had time to buckle up before Steven was hitting the gas, the tires throwing up loose sand for a moment. Luckily, the car freed itself, and he swerved back onto the road.

“Oh, man,” Connie leaned forward in her seat, practically biting her nails as she watched the seconds tick by. “They’re totally home. I’m so busted. Oh, I’m gonna be grounded for this...”

“I’m going as quick as I can,” Steven said, though his attempt at reassurance fell far short as Connie’s phone began to buzz. 

“Oh fuck! It’s my mom!”

“Answer it!”

Connie raised the cellphone to her ear slowly. “Hi—Hi mom!”

Steven couldn’t hear it clearly, but he heard yelling erupt from the other end. Connie flinched. Oh, man, this sucked.

“I’m—I, uh—“

More shouting.

Steven gripped the steering wheel tight, his knuckles turning white. God, this was totally his fault, wasn’t it? She said she had to be back by 10. He should’ve watched the time. What an idiot he was.

“I swear I’ll be back home in a few minutes mom—yes I know my curfew is 9 but I just—I’m really sorry, I—“

As she was cut short by her angry parents once again, Steven risked a glance over in Connie’s direction. She looked like she was about to cry. The awful thoughts came flooding in again.

_ Look what you did? This is happening because of you. Now Connie is going to be grounded and miserable all because you couldn’t remember something as simple as checking the time. What kind of “savior of the galaxy” move is that? God, you’ve let yourself go. _

He felt like he was going to vomit, or pass out, or both.

“Okay. Yes. I’m sorry. I know—“ She let out an exasperated sigh as she lowered the phone, her mother having hung up on her. “Oh man, she’s  _pissed_. My goose is cooked, Steven.”

The world was spinning. Or his world, rather. Steven tried his hardest to focus on the road, but his thoughts had become so loud that it was a wonder he could even listen to Connie.

And then came the urge.

He felt it—he felt all of the thoughts shut up at once, he felt his grip loosen on the steering wheel, he felt himself relax. Just like he always did right before he did something he would regret.

“Steven?”

Who cares? He messed up everything. It couldn’t get any worse from here, surely. Nothing mattered. Absolutely nothing.

“Steven, are you alright?”

Nothing.

Connie grabbed the door handle suddenly as Steven hit the gas pedal, the car engine whining in response as they picked up speed.

“Steven?! Steven, what are you doing?! Slow down!”

Nothing mattered.

The car continued to shoot down the road at an alarming rate.

“Steven! Steven, hit the brakes! Stop! What are you doing?!” Connie grabbed him by the arm, shaking him in an attempt to rattle him back to reality, in vain. “Steven, please!!”

Absolutely. Nothing.

They were running out of road.

Connie stared at the the turn which was rapidly approaching, far too sharp for them to take at this speed. Her eyes widened, and she sat for a moment, totally paralyzed with fear, gripping the fabric of Steven’s jacket. And then she turned, yanking him to the side. “Steven! Please, bubble or something! Steven!  _Steven!!_ ”

Steven yanked the wheel to the side, and the tires screamed over the hard ground. The paved road finally ran out and the sides of the wheels hit the curb, sending the car into the air and out of control. He felt Connie’s grip loosen as suddenly the world was sideways, and upside down, and right side up again—she was screaming, and maybe he was too—and then the car hit the ground again, rolling over and over, the sound of breaking metal and shattered glass filling his ears. And then the car was stopped by something solid, and the inertia sent Steven’s head into the steering wheel, a shock of white hot pain slicing through him before everything went dark.

* * *

His ears were ringing.

Steven opened his eyes, momentarily forgetting where he was or what was happening. And then the pain flooded back in, and his head ached, his body burning like it was on fire. A warm sensation ran from his forehead down his face, and after a moment he realized it was blood, the metallic taste overwhelming his mouth. His hands and shirt were covered in it—right, he hit the steering wheel. Wish he had known the airbags were faulty.

His eyes remained fixated on the shattered windshield in front of him until he heard a sound next to him—a slow, shaky inhale, barely above a whisper, and incredibly weak. He turned his head with what little strength he had, searching for its source.

Connie.

She was in the seat next to him, her clothes shredded by the bloodied glass now on her lap. Her body slumped forward at an unnatural angle, her head sitting against the dashboard as if she was asleep. She breathed again—it was so soft, fragile—and then she was silent.

“Connie...?” Steven’s own voice sounded unnatural in his throat. He reached over, grabbing her by her arm. “Connie? Hey, Connie?” She didn’t respond. Her arm fell limp in his grasp. He leaned forward now, shaking her again, to no avail. “Connie! Connie, wake up!  _Connie!!_ ”

Soft, distorted classical music played from the car’s broken radio.

* * *

_ “Thoughts that go like bullets through you _

_ “The time you told me that you wished you were dead” _

Steven sat on his bed, the music from his headphones ringing in his ears. It was late at night—moonlight filtered in through the window to his left, casting gentle shadows on the sheets around him. He hadn’t even bothered to put on pjs, or even pull the blankets over him.

The clock read 2 AM.

He stared at his ceiling in silence, the sensation of dried tears on his face still fresh from his crying hours before. That was life at the moment—feeling everything at once and then nothing at all.

The last two months had been hell. Every second. After the crash, Connie died. But he used his tears to bring her back—and she hated him for it.

_ “Why bother crying on me if you weren’t going to use your powers to save us in the first place?” _

Her shouts were the first of many.

He had never seen any two parents in so much grief. He had killed their daughter, and then condemned her to a prolonged life without feeling, or any natural human experience at all. She would never get to live. She would never have the chance to be a human being again. He had taken that away. And they hated him for it.

And then the gems.

He had never seen his own family so distraught. So disappointed. Like they wanted to disown him on the spot. He knew they never would, but by now he wished they had. For days, none of them would look at him. And even after, he didn’t receive a single comforting hug, a single word of reassurance or advice, because what could you say to someone who fucked up that badly? Not that he deserved it anyway.

Being rejected by Garnet was the hardest. Just thinking about it, reliving it for a second, was enough to make him crumble.

Now the gems had him on virtual house arrest. He wasn’t allowed to leave his room. Food was brought up to him. He had to be escorted even to use the bathroom. But lately he hadn’t been doing either. He was just too tired. The outside world had become a series of longing looks outside of his window. 

He hadn’t seen anyone in ages, but he was certain the entirety of Beach City hated him. The bubbly 13 year old who did his rounds daily years prior had just killed his best friend in the worst car wreck in years, and nobody knew why. Not even he knew why. And as if to add the cherry on top to the agony sundae, Connie and her family moved away a week ago.

Of course they moved. Who would want to stay? Their reputation was ruined. Connie’s life was ruined. They had no reason to spend another second in this hellhole of a place.

Suddenly, his phone buzzed.

Steven lifted his hand, the most effort he had exerted in hours. He had been texting Connie over the last two months, the amount increasing in volume in the last week. Begging her to come over, that he was sorry, that he hated himself for what he’d done. Anything and everything that was on his mind, he had texted to her. Had she listened?

_ Sorry, this user does not exist. _

_ “But so broken on when you can’t stop choosing _

_ “To sleep through your alarms _

_ “Man, you’re loosing your head” _


End file.
